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God Rewards Family of Faith with Toilet Paper Hanging from Trees

The Bradshaws of Torrance, California awoke this Sunday morning to what they’re describing as a “gift from God” when they discovered as many as a half dozen rolls of toilet paper hanging from the trees and shrubbery in their front yard.

“It’s a miracle. I was just wrestling a woman for the last package of TP the other day in Costco, and here it is raining down from heaven,” family matriarch Rebecca Bradshaw remarked. “Halleluljah.”

Though the total haul of usable toilet paper was rendered considerably less after an early-morning fog left much of it damp, causing some to either clump or tear, Bradshaw estimates that her family harvested a four-pack’s worth of Charmin two-ply from God’s offering.

“Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up. Be faithful and you shall receive. About a week’s supply of quality tushy paper from our elm tree alone, I’d say,” Bradshaw said.

Though this was not the first time God has festooned their property with the gift of toilet paper, the timing of this occasion is special, according to Bradshaw.

“You can never have enough toilet paper these days. Not with this gay plague going around,” she remarked. “Too bad the eggs He also sent broke against the front door.”